With war now football by others means, be prepared for new World Cup champs

Apart from its constant folding and unfolding of space and time by mortals, football is war by other means. I believe that. I feel that. I also like the fact that no one dies on the football pitch.

No one died when Zinedine Zidane headbutted Marco Materazzi in the chest in the 2006 World Cup. Or when Luis Suarez chomped his impressive teeth into Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder in the 2014 edition. Not even when Andoni Goikoetxea, the 'Butcher of Bilbao,' broke Maradona's ankle in a vicious tackle during a La Liga match in 1983 - which the Argentine player later described as making 'the sound of wood breaking.'

And yet, here we have a World Cup that overturns football's choreographic violence on its head, and makes war to be football by other means. The only Fifa Peace Prize winner to date actually launched strikes against Iran one day before the World Cup started on Thursday in which Iran is a contestant. That's worse than Yudhishtir telling Dronacharya before battle, 'Ashwatthama hatha iti,' and muttering something under his breath after that.

Days after Soviet troops invaded Budapest to crush the 1956 Hungarian Revolution, the USSR and Hungary met in a Olympics water polo semifinal that came to be known as 'Blood in the Water' after the extreme violence and riot that broke out in the pool. (Hungary won 4-0. ) But in that case, the Olympics were being hosted in neutral Melbourne.

In this case, one of the hosts of the World Cup is the aggressor in an ongoing war against a participating country. Let's just say I hope Iran have a good team psychologist, and not one provided by Fifa, who'll most certainly be a CIA psych-op specialist - or Pete Hegseth in a false beard shouting in the dressing room, 'IT'S SOCCER NOT FOOTBAWWL, AYATOLLAH!'

Infantile Fifa has already allowed Trump to play Emperor Commodus this World Cup. Somali referee Omar Artan being denied entry into the US, players and officials from West Asian and African countries held for hours at airports - although the tournament's first red card went to Sphephelo Sithole for completely legit reasons, and not because Trump thinks South Africa is a 'sithole'. And we're just in the fourth day of a 39-day World Cup.

But I seriously wonder how the Iranians will play. Their first match is on June 16 against relatively peaceful - barring their fierce ceremonial haka dance - New Zealand in Los Angeles. Will they be staring at their food and water every day, considering you can't put it past Trump to have enriched non-halal uranium be diddled into their morning muesli? They're allowed to enter the US only one day before a match and have to step out again by a day after a game.

And both Muslim and Christian god help the Iranians if they and the US are runners-up of Group G and Group D, respectively. Then they shall meet in - wait for it - Texas, a day before - wait longer for it - America celebrates its 250th Independence Day. (Incidentally, it's the Fifa Peace Prize winner's 80th birthday today. )

Now, we've heard of instances of athletes from authoritarian, war-torn, or economically struggling countries - no, not suddenly breaking into garba - seeking political asylum in the middle or at the end of a sporting tournament. Or taking the 'smoother' route of going out shopping and never returning to their hotels/hostels. But with the Trump regime doing everything to make the World Cup a constant penalty shootout for visiting footballers of a certain hue and cry, staying on till their last match will be the challenge.

But let this doom'n'gloom not come in the way of this glorious boom'n'ball game. For a moment on Friday morning, I actually forgot all this 'football by other means' rubbish when Oh Hyeon-gyu slid through the green Guadalajara turf to connect Hwang In-beom's precision low cross and score South Korea's winning goal against Czechia.

My prediction? Even if the US lose matches, they will win. With VAR bound to be manned by ICE, goals against the US will be disallowed, and goalposts will be moved to let their goals in. Yes, the US will win the World Cup. Even as captain Tim Ream - bless him the Tim - looked like he wanted to run after Trump video-called to congratulate the team after their big win against Paraguay on Saturday.